Humans, like any living creature, are ones of habit. Coffee is no exception. For some reason, I feel compelled to share my meager if not useless knowledge with the novice coffee drinker. First, the source of the coffee is very important. If you don’t brew your own coffee, you have to be selective where you purchase it. Almost every gas station on the planet has something that does involve coffee beans and a brewing process. However, that liquid should only be consumed under controlled conditions. Those conditions would include dissolving your stomach, participating in a bet or when the Slurpee machine is broken. Truck Stop coffee tends to be good. McDonald’s coffee is functional, but fast food restaurants in general are risky coffee stops. They are risky because those pots tend to get made by people who don’t drink coffee. Dunkin Donuts offers some pretty good brewage, as was Starbucks. Having worked at Denny’s Restaurants, I can vouch for that stuff as being good too. A note to the handful of readers who made it this far: a good cup of coffee is still an accomplishment. You should simply stay clear of the bad stuff. Next, the stuff you add can make a difference. The first category is dairy. The most important thing to remember is not to use anything less than whole milk. Half-n-half creamer is the best. The sweetness of the cream rounds out the flavor of the coffee. The trick is to use a creamer that actually had something to do with a cow. Powders or imitation milk things are not only evil, they completely obscure the natural flavor of the coffee. Besides, flavoring your coffee with flavoring found only in the creamer could get you beaten in most coffee shops. The sugar category allows for much more lattitude with consumption. However, artificial sweetners do not capture the disaccharidic pleasure of sucrose. Aspartame/NutraSweet, with heat & age, can breakdown into formadehyde (the carcinogenic liquid once used to preserve dead animal specimens). I would also stick with regular sugar as we have a clearer view of what the side effects are. The container in which to consume coffee is also somewhat important. Ceramic or insulated mugs are very good, but you still need to be careful. If you have an annoying picture or quotation on the side, the beating rule could take effect. On the other hand, you have almost guaranteed that your mug won’t get taken where you work. Styrofoam cups are good for travel. Unfortunately, they still tend to be dangerous. They may not feature stupid pictures or slogans, but some people still manage to dump them on their laps while driving. A good rule of thumb is to not put anything on your lap while driving. Just ask Hugh Grant. Finally, caffeine has been proven to not be too bad. Studies show that your alertness increases 15 minutes after consumption…and energy levels up to 4 to 5 hours. It also shows temporary boosts in memory. Coffee also has some anti-oxidant capabilities. Other positive things coffee can do for you is to give you the ability to put dark rings on notebooks, newspapers and important reports that you are expected to hand in to your boss. It gives you something to talk about with coworker with, as well as a solid reason to use the bathroom excessively. It has remarkable power to stain your teeth and give you really bad breath. It’s also really good with pie

Are you a stupid person? Do you find day-to-day life hard? Do you wish life had an instruction booklet? Do you wish your brain had an owner’s manual?

  If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’ve come to the right place.. let me share a few words of wisdom to help you along at least for tonight…

• Don’t throw a brick straight up.
• Don’t breathe car exhaust.
• If you ever meet the President, don’t offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
• For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
• Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
• Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
• The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
• If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
• If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head.
• Don’t flip off the Mafia.
• If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
• Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
• Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
• Don’t shave with a lawn mower.
• Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.
• Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
• Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what’s inside.
• The warning “Don’t try this at home” really means “Don’t try this at all.”
• Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow.
• Don’t iron clothes while wearing them.
• The expression “Life in the fast line” should not inspire you to live in the road.
• Don’t eat hot coals.
• Don’t escape in to jail.
• Don’t wash floors with cough syrup.
• Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet.
• Don’t sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.

I hope these few do’s and DON’TS help…

Much love,

CW

Mom I’m sorry for all the things I did when I was a kid. Will you PLEASE take off the curse that my kids will be 10x’s worse than me?

I cant take it anymore!!

xoxo

CW

being the parent of a teenage girl.. the hardest job in the world.

I have 3 teenage girls and they are alive, educated and not total loosers , so I think I need to be made a saint…..

xoxo

CW

I apologize for not speaking STUPID.. but I am calling Rosetta Stone to see if they offer it so I am prepared to talk to you in the future.

Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why - they do.

(Please don’t take his funny parenting tip seriously!)

xoxox

CW

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

XOXOXOX

CW

Things Never to Say to the girl you LOVE!!!!

• Have you put on weight?
• My mom didn’t make it like this.
• I taped the Redskins game over the wedding DVD.
• That’s really not your color is it?
• Have you ever thought about plastic surgery?
• I bought you a cookbook.
• I bought you a hammer.
• I thought you needed this. (Note, unless “this” is a piece of expensive jewelry then you are asking for trouble.)
• I had lunch with my old girlfriend today.
• Anniversary? What anniversary?
• Birthday? What birthday?
• Why can’t your mom stay at a hotel?
• So, what did you do all day?
• Hi honey, look whom I brought home!
• I married you, didn’t I?

Things Never to Ask that special guy in your life……

• Do you think I look fat in this?
• Would you rather watch football or go shopping with me?
• Do you think the new neighbor is pretty?
• What do you think of my new recipe for ‘insert name of exotic gourmet dish here’?
• You don’t mind if I take that new position across the country, do you?
• Aren’t you going to stop and ask for directions?
• Are you sure you can do that?
• Is that a bald spot?
• Do you love me?

Much love,

CW